Hijacked by Scanxiety: How testing can take your peace

One wonky test result. That’s all it took to take down my mental health and emotional well-being. This was just a few weeks ago and 8 some years since my breast cancer diagnosis. 

And suddenly. Well, suddenly I had a toxic relationship with my patient portal for the first time. Checking and checking and checking. Non-stop. I couldn’t stop myself. The fear and anxiety was bigger inside me than my ability to put down my phone and not check for my doctor’s input on those results. And every time I plugged in my password, I was hoping. That this time there would be that message from my doctor. What was her take on the results? What are my next steps? 

Do you know how many times I checked and saw nothing? I couldn’t even tell you. But do you know how much time had gone by since those results hit my portal and my anxiety skyrocketed and my toxic patient portal checking started? It was immediate. Immediate. My doctor did nothing wrong. Her response was timely. Just not timely for me. 

That is scanxiety. And it’s a widespread thing among the cancer community. Whether you’ve been recently diagnosed or you’re nearing 10 years out like me. And it’s like a disease all by itself. It takes down quality of life in an instant. If you’re dealing with this, you are so not alone. And here’s the thing. You never know how you’re going to respond. This is not my first wonky test result since my diagnosis. Or my first test. And yes. Just having to schedule a test can trigger that scanxiety. But not always. 

Like, when I had my first annual mammogram after my breast cancer treatment. Sailed through that emotionally unscathed. The following year, not so much. By the time the tech came to get me, I was ugly crying in my robe in the waiting room. Never saw those tears coming. Every time since then has been manageable. 

My first test result that needed a biopsy — endometrial this time — was almost exactly a year after my breast cancer diagnosis. That’s when I started anxiety meds. Because my anxiety monstered inside me, tearing me apart as it roared out its presence. My second biopsy, yet my first time it emotionally took me down. To this day, I remember thinking, not again. I can’t do this again. And that feeling. Like in those movies where a victim struggles to get away and fails. And the camera shows her terrified face as her legs are being pulled by her assailant and she disappears into the dark. Like that.

The first week on those anxiety meds was so awful, by the way. It temporarily spiked my anxiety even more. My team tacked on Ativan. I basically slept my way through that week. 

Then, there’s those test results that give you a more definitive answer, more solid ground to stand on. Well getting them can hit differently each time. After my breast biopsy last summer — yup, second breast biopsy, fourth biopsy total — I ugly cried. Several times. Oh the results were benign. But the emotional upheaval the experience caused was just so very toxic. I wasn’t celebrating. It was like an emotional vomit of tears to purge my soul of all that toxicity. This last time? Benign results. So no cervical cancer. And no emotional response from me. I just feel numb. No tears, no smiles. Yet you know that’s not always been my response.

And I wonder. Well what made it different? Perhaps the idea of dealing with not just cancer again but a different cancer? Maybe. But, knowing that you may not know how you’ll respond to any of this makes it all even more challenging. We have to be ready to expect the unexpected. And so do our caregivers. And we have to find our way to move through something like this. What will help us? For me, it’s this article. And creating something meaningful from the chaos. Writing it is helping me process and heal. 

My portal and I are back to our normal relationship now. Thank goodness. And all of you, reading this, are helping me to reclaim my peace. Because being seen, being heard is so very healing. So, thank you.

Marianne Sarcich is a breast cancer survivor, national advocate and thought leader for the disease and for breast health. She founded a local breast cancer peer support group, In This Together Philly Wilmington, that focuses on lifting the disease burden through connections, programs and education.

breast cancer Scanxiety

Last modified: February 27, 2025